thanks for writing this- a good reminder at the right time.
I spent a good chunk of the last few years in academia, almost certainly too long. first it was fun, and there were always some good bits, but being surrounded by systems that are pointless- where everyone knows they're pointless, but does them anyway- rots your soul. it can become the way things are for a chunk of your brain, before you realize it.
it's odd- that sense of agency, that internal locus of control, is incredibly powerful, but also so fragile. things can erode it or damage it very directly. something you (or at least I) have to maintain, and cultivate, and fight entropy for.
This post, or something influenced by / glowing off of it, changed my life.
Forgot why, but back in elementary school I got violent against teachers and other students. This was obviously bad. It was quickly stopped when I was brought into the principal's office and gently verbally "set straight" by a cop. (Not sarcasm, he was quite soft-spoken.)
I later found WaitButWhy, LessWrong, 80,000 Hours, and went on the "CS track": I could do technical AI alignment, but also I'd have a "safe path".
Fast-forward to now: The safe path sucks, and all my problems were secretly ADHD that could be solved with medication and unhindered sleep. I got 3 big missed-or-mangled opportunities under my belt. My main mistakes:
- Getting good grades in college, instead of diving into ML and/or more advanced maths. (My math "minor" doesn't really count, as it's more a grab-bag extended from my uni's "immersion".)
- Getting into Eleuther early, giving (redundantly, unused) feedback on the Pile paper before publication, and... not prioritizing any of it above normal-path "responsibilities".
- Hearing about QACI (a recent vision for AI alignment), learning about maybe 25% of it, and then being the "one average performer" that "can drag down the entire group." While, additionally, being overall unpleasant and alienating to hear from, for at least one or two people involved.
The ADHD didn't help. The sleep issues didn't help. And my low(?) working memory didn't help. But... lack of agency, starting from (and actually *acted on* by) me, was the root of evil in my life. Every droplet of good came from me deciding things for myself alone.
(Well, so did several bad things, but failures are to be expected, ya?)
There's more I could lay out about like the current "strategic landscape", and the "artistic"/spiritual view thereof, but even *I'm* too smart to laboriously describe a painting we've both seen, and in fact both live in.
I don't know what to do next, but I *do* have a handful of people I really care about. And I can't keep living the low-agency life, just because of its effects on my health and enjoyment alone.
And I remember something I said to myself, maybe last year (a lifetime ago):
If I fail in the end, whatever I do wrong, it won't be from lack of courage.
Not to be dramatic but this article healed my brain from all the rot it had accumulated from reading poorly generated AI writing and badly written FB posts.
really great piece, enjoyed reading it a lot. can’t say i subscribe to everything you’ve said, but a lot did resonate with me. my main thought after finishing is this idea that it’s good to have friction in most (any?) system.
I guess, after all, one of the hardest things is not falling prey to unhelpful oversimplifications and somehow sacrificing reality for your seemingly practical map you made from it (the continious vs. discrete thing you mentioned).
I don't know how and where, but I feel like this is related to your topic of agency. Something happens to you, when you accept a certain way of seeing the world as "the one and only thing". Through the eyes of stoicism agency becomes a foreign and maybe even unknown concept. Through the eyes of looking down on mediocre people you can fall prey to be driven by spite instead of service to humanity.
articulate a vision, or find someone else who has laid one out that you can believe in. find the best people and become close to them. challenge each other to keep up, be the best possible versions of yourselves.
I like to think I've started to do this with my latest series of articles.
This essay really stuck with me and I've come back to it a few different times. Starting reading a Steve Jobs biography now on the back of the quote you included.
Would you still recommend reading stoicism? I've always found it interesting, but am put off by the association with toxic masculinity
thanks for writing this- a good reminder at the right time.
I spent a good chunk of the last few years in academia, almost certainly too long. first it was fun, and there were always some good bits, but being surrounded by systems that are pointless- where everyone knows they're pointless, but does them anyway- rots your soul. it can become the way things are for a chunk of your brain, before you realize it.
it's odd- that sense of agency, that internal locus of control, is incredibly powerful, but also so fragile. things can erode it or damage it very directly. something you (or at least I) have to maintain, and cultivate, and fight entropy for.
This post, or something influenced by / glowing off of it, changed my life.
Forgot why, but back in elementary school I got violent against teachers and other students. This was obviously bad. It was quickly stopped when I was brought into the principal's office and gently verbally "set straight" by a cop. (Not sarcasm, he was quite soft-spoken.)
I later found WaitButWhy, LessWrong, 80,000 Hours, and went on the "CS track": I could do technical AI alignment, but also I'd have a "safe path".
Fast-forward to now: The safe path sucks, and all my problems were secretly ADHD that could be solved with medication and unhindered sleep. I got 3 big missed-or-mangled opportunities under my belt. My main mistakes:
- Getting good grades in college, instead of diving into ML and/or more advanced maths. (My math "minor" doesn't really count, as it's more a grab-bag extended from my uni's "immersion".)
- Getting into Eleuther early, giving (redundantly, unused) feedback on the Pile paper before publication, and... not prioritizing any of it above normal-path "responsibilities".
- Hearing about QACI (a recent vision for AI alignment), learning about maybe 25% of it, and then being the "one average performer" that "can drag down the entire group." While, additionally, being overall unpleasant and alienating to hear from, for at least one or two people involved.
The ADHD didn't help. The sleep issues didn't help. And my low(?) working memory didn't help. But... lack of agency, starting from (and actually *acted on* by) me, was the root of evil in my life. Every droplet of good came from me deciding things for myself alone.
(Well, so did several bad things, but failures are to be expected, ya?)
There's more I could lay out about like the current "strategic landscape", and the "artistic"/spiritual view thereof, but even *I'm* too smart to laboriously describe a painting we've both seen, and in fact both live in.
I don't know what to do next, but I *do* have a handful of people I really care about. And I can't keep living the low-agency life, just because of its effects on my health and enjoyment alone.
And I remember something I said to myself, maybe last year (a lifetime ago):
If I fail in the end, whatever I do wrong, it won't be from lack of courage.
So help me stars.
Very cool and awesome post 👍
Shallow notions of reality guiding shit motions within society. I hope you find some ppl with whom you can bond soon...
Not to be dramatic but this article healed my brain from all the rot it had accumulated from reading poorly generated AI writing and badly written FB posts.
I cannot wait to read more of your takes.
really great piece, enjoyed reading it a lot. can’t say i subscribe to everything you’ve said, but a lot did resonate with me. my main thought after finishing is this idea that it’s good to have friction in most (any?) system.
thanks for being honest
I guess, after all, one of the hardest things is not falling prey to unhelpful oversimplifications and somehow sacrificing reality for your seemingly practical map you made from it (the continious vs. discrete thing you mentioned).
I don't know how and where, but I feel like this is related to your topic of agency. Something happens to you, when you accept a certain way of seeing the world as "the one and only thing". Through the eyes of stoicism agency becomes a foreign and maybe even unknown concept. Through the eyes of looking down on mediocre people you can fall prey to be driven by spite instead of service to humanity.
I'll continue pondering about it.
Oh, are you the one responsible for this meme? I always wondered where it came from 🧐
you just scissors my motivations
articulate a vision, or find someone else who has laid one out that you can believe in. find the best people and become close to them. challenge each other to keep up, be the best possible versions of yourselves.
I like to think I've started to do this with my latest series of articles.
Really good!
love this!!
This pricked me like acupuncture
WPAFB is where they keep the aliens…
Powerful storytelling
Thank you
This essay really stuck with me and I've come back to it a few different times. Starting reading a Steve Jobs biography now on the back of the quote you included.
Would you still recommend reading stoicism? I've always found it interesting, but am put off by the association with toxic masculinity