thanks for writing this- a good reminder at the right time.
I spent a good chunk of the last few years in academia, almost certainly too long. first it was fun, and there were always some good bits, but being surrounded by systems that are pointless- where everyone knows they're pointless, but does them anyway- rots your soul. it can become the way things are for a chunk of your brain, before you realize it.
it's odd- that sense of agency, that internal locus of control, is incredibly powerful, but also so fragile. things can erode it or damage it very directly. something you (or at least I) have to maintain, and cultivate, and fight entropy for.
This post, or something influenced by / glowing off of it, changed my life.
Forgot why, but back in elementary school I got violent against teachers and other students. This was obviously bad. It was quickly stopped when I was brought into the principal's office and gently verbally "set straight" by a cop. (Not sarcasm, he was quite soft-spoken.)
I later found WaitButWhy, LessWrong, 80,000 Hours, and went on the "CS track": I could do technical AI alignment, but also I'd have a "safe path".
Fast-forward to now: The safe path sucks, and all my problems were secretly ADHD that could be solved with medication and unhindered sleep. I got 3 big missed-or-mangled opportunities under my belt. My main mistakes:
- Getting good grades in college, instead of diving into ML and/or more advanced maths. (My math "minor" doesn't really count, as it's more a grab-bag extended from my uni's "immersion".)
- Getting into Eleuther early, giving (redundantly, unused) feedback on the Pile paper before publication, and... not prioritizing any of it above normal-path "responsibilities".
- Hearing about QACI (a recent vision for AI alignment), learning about maybe 25% of it, and then being the "one average performer" that "can drag down the entire group." While, additionally, being overall unpleasant and alienating to hear from, for at least one or two people involved.
The ADHD didn't help. The sleep issues didn't help. And my low(?) working memory didn't help. But... lack of agency, starting from (and actually *acted on* by) me, was the root of evil in my life. Every droplet of good came from me deciding things for myself alone.
(Well, so did several bad things, but failures are to be expected, ya?)
There's more I could lay out about like the current "strategic landscape", and the "artistic"/spiritual view thereof, but even *I'm* too smart to laboriously describe a painting we've both seen, and in fact both live in.
I don't know what to do next, but I *do* have a handful of people I really care about. And I can't keep living the low-agency life, just because of its effects on my health and enjoyment alone.
And I remember something I said to myself, maybe last year (a lifetime ago):
If I fail in the end, whatever I do wrong, it won't be from lack of courage.
this was a raw essay that made me zone out in time and allowed me to step out of the reality and think. i think it's a weirdly ideal essay, but as a person who dropped out of pre-med prep into english and then went on to do marketing and is still finding her path in life, this essay resonated with some parts of me.
not in a whimsical lost way, but in the way where people kept saying i was wasting my potential. hell, they don't even know theirs imo. but nonetheless, what i took from it was a renewed sense of passion for my craft and doing it again and again.
not because i have the agency to pursue it in leisure. but because i need to make it happen for myself. i need to be a 'great person' because that is what i want. paradoxically or not.
I guess, after all, one of the hardest things is not falling prey to unhelpful oversimplifications and somehow sacrificing reality for your seemingly practical map you made from it (the continious vs. discrete thing you mentioned).
I don't know how and where, but I feel like this is related to your topic of agency. Something happens to you, when you accept a certain way of seeing the world as "the one and only thing". Through the eyes of stoicism agency becomes a foreign and maybe even unknown concept. Through the eyes of looking down on mediocre people you can fall prey to be driven by spite instead of service to humanity.
really great piece, enjoyed reading it a lot. can’t say i subscribe to everything you’ve said, but a lot did resonate with me. my main thought after finishing is this idea that it’s good to have friction in most (any?) system.
I fully agree that the best research comes from a vision or value (helping people/extending the power of their minds and bodies/whatever is relevant to the field) rather than a specific outcome - allowing for out of the box thinking and plenty of failure. All of the best innovation comes when the focus is on creative solutions, rather than profits - your point about the low desire for risk in business is very apparet. I've ended up with mixed feelings about "beaurocracy", however. I think ethics and safety should have a place, particularly where research has the potential to do great harm (not necessarily computer programming, but biomedical and engineering, etc.), and especially when we see what happens in their absence (addictive drugs, exploding cars and rockets, collapsing buildings). But it would be nice if they felt the same drive as researchers to move quickly and maintain a little flexibility for things that are totally new. The world does need a mix of diligent incremental thinkers, ambitious and risky thinkers, and those who consider the applications and how to get them to people, and it's ideal if the entire organization works with similar goals and pace.
thanks for writing this- a good reminder at the right time.
I spent a good chunk of the last few years in academia, almost certainly too long. first it was fun, and there were always some good bits, but being surrounded by systems that are pointless- where everyone knows they're pointless, but does them anyway- rots your soul. it can become the way things are for a chunk of your brain, before you realize it.
it's odd- that sense of agency, that internal locus of control, is incredibly powerful, but also so fragile. things can erode it or damage it very directly. something you (or at least I) have to maintain, and cultivate, and fight entropy for.
This post, or something influenced by / glowing off of it, changed my life.
Forgot why, but back in elementary school I got violent against teachers and other students. This was obviously bad. It was quickly stopped when I was brought into the principal's office and gently verbally "set straight" by a cop. (Not sarcasm, he was quite soft-spoken.)
I later found WaitButWhy, LessWrong, 80,000 Hours, and went on the "CS track": I could do technical AI alignment, but also I'd have a "safe path".
Fast-forward to now: The safe path sucks, and all my problems were secretly ADHD that could be solved with medication and unhindered sleep. I got 3 big missed-or-mangled opportunities under my belt. My main mistakes:
- Getting good grades in college, instead of diving into ML and/or more advanced maths. (My math "minor" doesn't really count, as it's more a grab-bag extended from my uni's "immersion".)
- Getting into Eleuther early, giving (redundantly, unused) feedback on the Pile paper before publication, and... not prioritizing any of it above normal-path "responsibilities".
- Hearing about QACI (a recent vision for AI alignment), learning about maybe 25% of it, and then being the "one average performer" that "can drag down the entire group." While, additionally, being overall unpleasant and alienating to hear from, for at least one or two people involved.
The ADHD didn't help. The sleep issues didn't help. And my low(?) working memory didn't help. But... lack of agency, starting from (and actually *acted on* by) me, was the root of evil in my life. Every droplet of good came from me deciding things for myself alone.
(Well, so did several bad things, but failures are to be expected, ya?)
There's more I could lay out about like the current "strategic landscape", and the "artistic"/spiritual view thereof, but even *I'm* too smart to laboriously describe a painting we've both seen, and in fact both live in.
I don't know what to do next, but I *do* have a handful of people I really care about. And I can't keep living the low-agency life, just because of its effects on my health and enjoyment alone.
And I remember something I said to myself, maybe last year (a lifetime ago):
If I fail in the end, whatever I do wrong, it won't be from lack of courage.
So help me stars.
Very cool and awesome post 👍
Shallow notions of reality guiding shit motions within society. I hope you find some ppl with whom you can bond soon...
Why do you write in lowercase?
this was a raw essay that made me zone out in time and allowed me to step out of the reality and think. i think it's a weirdly ideal essay, but as a person who dropped out of pre-med prep into english and then went on to do marketing and is still finding her path in life, this essay resonated with some parts of me.
not in a whimsical lost way, but in the way where people kept saying i was wasting my potential. hell, they don't even know theirs imo. but nonetheless, what i took from it was a renewed sense of passion for my craft and doing it again and again.
not because i have the agency to pursue it in leisure. but because i need to make it happen for myself. i need to be a 'great person' because that is what i want. paradoxically or not.
thanks for being honest
I guess, after all, one of the hardest things is not falling prey to unhelpful oversimplifications and somehow sacrificing reality for your seemingly practical map you made from it (the continious vs. discrete thing you mentioned).
I don't know how and where, but I feel like this is related to your topic of agency. Something happens to you, when you accept a certain way of seeing the world as "the one and only thing". Through the eyes of stoicism agency becomes a foreign and maybe even unknown concept. Through the eyes of looking down on mediocre people you can fall prey to be driven by spite instead of service to humanity.
I'll continue pondering about it.
really great piece, enjoyed reading it a lot. can’t say i subscribe to everything you’ve said, but a lot did resonate with me. my main thought after finishing is this idea that it’s good to have friction in most (any?) system.
One can also easily delude oneself into thinking one is doing when all one is doing is spinning in circles :P
https://substack.com/@patwater/note/c-175205246?r=1fnfr&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action
I fully agree that the best research comes from a vision or value (helping people/extending the power of their minds and bodies/whatever is relevant to the field) rather than a specific outcome - allowing for out of the box thinking and plenty of failure. All of the best innovation comes when the focus is on creative solutions, rather than profits - your point about the low desire for risk in business is very apparet. I've ended up with mixed feelings about "beaurocracy", however. I think ethics and safety should have a place, particularly where research has the potential to do great harm (not necessarily computer programming, but biomedical and engineering, etc.), and especially when we see what happens in their absence (addictive drugs, exploding cars and rockets, collapsing buildings). But it would be nice if they felt the same drive as researchers to move quickly and maintain a little flexibility for things that are totally new. The world does need a mix of diligent incremental thinkers, ambitious and risky thinkers, and those who consider the applications and how to get them to people, and it's ideal if the entire organization works with similar goals and pace.
so ur telling me other high achievers also got depressed and almost failed out of high school too and it was not just me
Guyz I'm new here on dis app,how this app works?? Only voice mail??
The Steve Jobs quote has stuck with me for a long time. Great read
When I doubt, a bias towards action
How do you become a director in Hollywood? "Direct something then say you are a director in Hollywood." -Martin Scorsese. Applies to a lot of stuff.
out of curiosity, why don’t you put a full stop at the end of your sentences? it didn’t hit me until 1/3 way in and i think it’s rly cool